Blog

September 26, 2016

A New Dream is Born

A week ago yesterday I swam in my very last race of the Rio 2016 Paralympic Games, the 200m IM.  Over the past 7 days I have been searching for a way to put into words how I feel following the conclusion of these Games.  I still haven’t been able to grasp that it is over.  I dreamt of the Rio 2016 Games since I sat in London for the Closing Ceremonies of the London 2012 Games, that very night a dream was born, my dream for the Rio 2016 Games.  I knew leaving London that although I was proud of my accomplishments, I wanted more, I strived for more.

Now, here I am and Rio has come and gone.  These Games took more fight to get to and to get through than anything I have experienced in my career.  The road to Rio was one filled with many twists and turns, one filled with more hardship than I would have liked at times, but also one filled with more life and love than I could have ever hoped for.  It is amazing how much life happens in four years, while you sit and focus on the next Games life continues on, it doesn’t have a pause button while you chase your dream, it continues on and throws you your fair share of ups and downs along the way.

As I sit here I find myself reflecting on the journey it took to get to Rio, the grit it took to make it through Rio and most of all I find myself content, satisfied and proud of what I left in Rio.  As I sit here today, I can say with all that I am that I left everything I had, every ounce of my being, every last bit of fight I had in me, I left all of it in that pool in Rio.  I didn’t come home a medalist from these Games, in fact this is my very first international competition that I have returned empty handed.  Although, this is the very first competition in my career that I have returned from that I don’t have a single doubt, that I don’t have a single second guess or what if.  I know that not only did I leave everything I had in that pool, but I also know that I did absolutely everything I could going into Rio.

This journey was one filled with its fair share of uncertainty.  Following my arm injury, I didn’t know if it was possible to compete again, let alone make it to Rio.  The other day I was asked why returning following injury was so important to me, my answer was simple, I owed it to myself to see my dream through, I never wanted to look back and feel like I had given up on my dreams.  So, for the past two years we did just that, we poured everything we had into this dream of mine and now, as I sit here I can proudly say that I have had the honor of representing Team USA at two Paralympic Games making me a two time Paralympian.

I swam 7 individual events in Rio, a program that I never thought I would swim again and I fought my way to finals in 4 of the 7 events.  Throughout competition I learned in one of the hardest ways possible that what my mind and heart want so badly, my body may not physically be capable of.  I have never had a competition take so much out of me mentally and emotionally, and I have never given so much physically.  On day one following my 400 Free prelim I lost feeling and movement in my entire left arm, I was terrified, this wasn’t how competition was supposed to begin. I spent the day in sports med trying to regain control of my arm, trying to regain movement as I was looking towards my 100m Fly the following day.  I didn’t touch the water following my 400 Free, not even to cool down, I couldn’t, I couldn’t even wheel myself let alone swim.  By the following day I was able to get control and feeling back and I swam my 100 Fly in one of the best times in my career.  My mind, my heart, every ounce of me refused to let me body give up.  Each day was a fight with my own body, some were more successful than others, but regardless I never stopped, I never gave up, I fought.  It is that fight, that determination, the will and passion that make me proud.  I may not have returned to the States a Paralympic medalist from these Games but I have learned that there is far more to the journey than medals.

Following the London 2012 Paralympic Games I returned home a Gold and Bronze medalist and although I am proud of those medals, I do not think I have had a moment in my career where I have been more proud of myself than I was following my race last week, a race that I placed 5th in.  Medals don’t define performance, they don’t define the fight, or the journey… Having been on both sides, medalist and non medalist I can say that regardless of the medal there is nothing that beats going a personal best time, a time that I haven’t even gotten close to since 2010, a time I have only dreamed about being able to come close to and then looking up, seeing front and center in the front row my family, a row filled with my parents, my fiancé, my sisters, my future mother and father-in-law and my soon to be sister-in-law and then, as I looked over right in front of me was my coach, standing in the aisle in the stands with both hands in the air and tears in his eyes.  That moment, it cannot be defined by a medal because there is no medal that makes that feeling, right then any better than it already was.

So here I am, following my second Paralympic Games and no, I am not a medalist from these Games but that doesn’t matter, it might to the rest of the world, but for me I have finally realized that my career isn’t defined by medals, it is defined by the fight, the heart, the passion, the grit, the determination, the journey and most of all, the community, the very people that gave me the courage and strength to fight for this dream in the first place.  Now, as I reflect on Rio, a new dream is born, my dream of Tokyo 2020 and the best part of this dream is it isn’t predicated on what color medal I want to win in Tokyo, this dream is about the journey.  Like I said, while we sit back and focus on our dreams life continues on and as badly as I want to make this dream come true, I also want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy marrying my best friend in December, I want to travel the world, I want to build my career outside of the pool, I want to  start a family and yes, I want to become a 3 time Paralympian!  The beauty is, who is to say you can’t do it all and enjoy the journey along the way?

Tokyo 2012

April 25, 2016

I #LoveMyShape Because It’s Mine

IMG_8449

Last week I had the opportunity to be a part of the #LoveMyShape social media campaign that SHAPE Magazine put together and while I was thinking about what it is that I love about my shape, it got me thinking about the journey it took to get me to this point.

We all have insecurities, self-confidence issues and feeling less than beautiful at times. We shame our bodies, call out more often what we hate than what we love about them and are quick to have the need to start a new “diet” or workout plan to “fix” our bodies. My question is for what though? At what point do we cross over from the need to go to the gym because we are trying to “fix” our bodies, to going to the gym simply because we love our bodies?

I was paralyzed over 8 years ago at the age of 18, I was just two months shy from my 19th birthday and one of the biggest struggles I had following my injury was learning how to feel beautiful again, learning to love my body. After my injury I felt like a deer in headlights everywhere I went, I went from this bubbly, outgoing individual, to someone that felt timid, insecure and incredibly uncomfortable in social settings. It was a difficult realization when I realized that as I went about my daily life, I felt different from everyone around me. You don’t wheel around and run into individuals in wheelchairs everywhere you go; I felt different and honestly, I felt out numbered. I was trying to find my confidence again, but it was hard because there weren’t individuals around me I could look to, I didn’t see individuals with physical impairments in magazines, I didn’t see individuals with physical impairments in our entertainment industry, everywhere I looked I realized I didn’t have anyone I could look to as a role model that “looked” like me.

As I adjusted to life in a wheelchair, I worked on rebuilding my self confidence, I returned to competitive swimming, was named to the US National team, had gone back to school and built back my independence, but it still took time before I felt comfortable, before I could feel beautiful. I remember about a year and a half after my paralysis my mom and I went dress shopping for a dress for an event I had, it was my first time dress shopping following my injury and as I sat in the dressing room at the store I found myself in tears as I looked in the mirror. I felt like nothing fit right sitting down, instead of feeling beautiful, I felt frumpy. I used to stand at 5’ 9” and weighed all of 115 pounds and now I sat, my body had changed and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. We have all had those moments in our lives though, our bodies have changed, and we have felt insecure, less than beautiful. Although, over the years I have learned that when we embrace our difference, when we learn to love our bodies, “flaws” and all that, it is what makes us beautiful. The reality is if we shame and blame our bodies, name our flaws more than our features, no matter what we do to become that image we have in our mind of what “beauty” is, we will never feel beautiful, because it will never be enough. Being beautiful and loving our bodies is learning to celebrate our features, learning the love the very things that make us unique and being happy with who we are.

So as I sat in the gym last week and had my fiancé take a photo of me in a sports bra that said #LoveMyShape, I realized that what I love most about my shape is the very things many might consider “imperfections.” I love my wheels, I may not stand at 5’ 9” but I don’t need to, honestly I feel more beautiful in my wheelchair than I ever felt standing on my own two feet. I love the journey my body has taken me on, the story it tells and the places it has taken me and will continue to take me. Our bodies are more than an image; they are the vehicles that carry us to chase our dreams. I #LoveMyShape because it is mine, it is unique to me and I believe that very uniqueness is what makes us all so incredibly beautiful! Above all I #LoveMyShape because I want my future children to grow up in a world where they are celebrated for who they are, not what they look like, where the future generation can have role models of all shapes and sizes, a world that is inclusive and there doesn’t have to be celebration because we have embraced “plus size” models or “disabled” models and models are simply that, models, individuals that celebrate all of the differences we carry, without having a label attached to them. So celebrate your features, love your body because it is yours and it is what has gotten you to where you are.

 

 

 

 

March 15, 2016

Journey to Rio 2016 Paralympic Games

We are officially less than 6 months out from the 2016 Paralympic Games and it is hard to put into words the emotion that comes with knowing that a journey that has lasted for years upon years is in its final stages. Following my paralysis in 2008 I literally drowned myself in my swimming, I learned how to move on with my life by going to a pool every day and working towards something that physically forced me to push my body to its ultimate limits. That mentality was my way of fighting back against the stereotypes of what having a “physical disability” means. I felt like I was now seen as someone who physically was incapable and my way of proving otherwise was showing up to the pool and pushing my body as far as I could to become the best athlete I could become, to excel, to push boundaries and barriers of what is possible physically.

Now London has come and gone, believe it or not it has been nearly 4 years since the London 2012 Games and now the Rio 2016 Games are right around the corner. I thought going into London I learned what it took, I learned how to overcome unfavorable circumstance, that I learned how to become comfortable with the uncomfortable and that I learned how to push my body. Although in 2014 the unexpected happened, I suffered a severe arm injury to my left arm, resulting in significant loss of function in my arm due to nerve damage, which has since been deemed permanent. My world shattered, I didn’t know if I could fight back from this, I feared that I would be forced to say goodbye to the world of competitive swimming and hang my suit up. Although, after months of being out of the pool and battling the uncertainties I found myself back in the same place I was in after my paralysis, going back to the water for solace, returning to my sanctuary.

The idea of coming to terms with now having permanent loss of function in my arm was more than I could handle, but each day I went to the pool it was my way of fighting back. Unfortunately with my nerve damage comes severe nerve pain so every time I touch the water I am faced with unbearable pain, pain that I never even knew existed. Although, as strange as it may sound I felt comfort in the fact that at least I could feel my arm, at least I knew it hurt. To drown out the pain I turned to music and since returning to the pool I now train with music to help me push past the pain.

The journey to the Rio 2016 Games has been an unexpected one, coming back from injury, relearning how to do the simple tasks again as I have lost the grip in my left hand. The trial and error of realizing my arm doesn’t work the way it used to, of learning how to adapt not only my athletic life, but my everyday life as well has been a world of trial and error, a world of ups and downs. But this journey, this journey is about fighting back, about proving that no matter what happens we all have the ability to overcome, about seeing it through not only for myself but those who never, ever stopped believing in me. Many have counted me out, many have said I won’t be able to be the athlete I once was, but every day my body hits the water, every moment I stare at that black line on the bottom of the pool it is me fighting back, proving that if we have enough grit, enough determination and enough passion, anything is possible!

February 11, 2016

From disaster to triumph: A week in the life of Mallory Weggemann

U.S. swimmer Mallory Weggemann was paralyzed from the waist down in 2008 after a routine epidural injection went wrong. She returned to the pool and became a world champion, setting 15 records. Now 23, she had been targeting nine gold medals at London 2012 but her events were reduced after her classification was altered by the International Paralympic Committee. She writes for CNN about her journey to London 2012.

London, England (CNN) – When I think back on this past week and the rollercoaster of emotions I have experienced at the Paralympics, I realize that everything happens for a reason.

Hours before the London 2012 opening ceremonies I learned that my appeal to overturn my reclassification had been denied. In that moment I felt defeat.

I felt as though everything I had worked for the past four and a half years had been stripped from me, but it was then that I realized that the journey to get to this point wasn’t about the medals.

The reason why I got back in the water in April 2008 nearly four months after being paralyzed, the reason that I devoted my life to swimming for the past four years, the sacrifices I made, and the person I became, wasn’t about the medals.

I think it was easy for me to get lost in the numbers — the number of how many golds I could win — but when this happened it forced me to reflect on my journey and what got me to this point. I realized I did all of that to become the best possible swimmer, athlete and person I could be for this very moment, medals or no medals.

June 01, 2014

Not Allowing Adversity to Define Your Future

Over the past few months I have been dealing with personal struggles after sustaining an injury in March, to say it has been a trying time is most definitely an understatement.  These past three months have continued to test me as a person in ways I haven’t been tested in quite some time.  Since being injured I have had most of my independence taken away, and worst of all it has taken me out of the pool.  Now as an athlete that part in and of itself has been devastating, but aside from my swimming this injury has also broken open wounds that have been healed for quite some time.

At this point we all know how it happened, I walked in and I never walked out.  It was January 21, 2008 and within the blink of an eye my world changed.  Following that day I decided to move forward.  I made the choice to not let this define me and since that day I have for the most part done just that, moved forward.  I created a life for myself, a life not defined by my wheelchair, but unfortunately what I have learned is that once again life has a plan of its own.  At the beginning of March when I sustained my injury despite everything I have done for the past six years it felt like I went right back to square one.  Now that might sound a little dramatic, but in these past six years I have become so incredibly physically strong I literally have moments I forget I am paralyzed, until now.  Since my injury in March I have physically been unable to wheel myself, transfer independently, dress myself, drive, and the list goes on.  My independence has been stripped and though I know it will all come back the waiting, the trial and error, the reminders of just how paralyzed I am has gotten wearing.  However, just like anything in life I am reminded again it isn’t the circumstances that define us, it is how we react to the circumstances that defines who we are.  This is simply a road bump, a moment in time that too will pass.  I will return to the pool, I will continue my journey of training for the Rio 2016 Paralympic Games and I will come out stronger then before.

Over the past three months I have had a lot of time to reflect and write.  During that time I have come up with the following list of “tips” if you will for personal growth, because I have realized we all can use a reminder of what is important in life.  No matter how successful we are, no matter what stage of our lives we are in, no matter what path we are on, we all face adversities everyday.  These our my reminders, my pointers for how to insure we are continuing to grow personally, because until we take the time to focus on our personal growth we cannot expect ourselves to grow in the other aspects of our lives.

1.)   Let the past be the past, cherish the memories, learn from the adversities, but in no way live in it.  Move toward the future and allow yourself to simply let go.

2.)   Don’t allow yourself to get so caught up in the future that you lose sight of the present.  Allow yourself to have dreams, goals and ambition, but don’t let them keep you from enjoying the here and now. The journey along the way is what makes the end goal so special, so enjoy it!

3.)   When you get overwhelmed remember, baby steps.  Life is a series of baby steps.  Just like you cannot recite the alphabet without everything in between A-Z, life is the same, and each baby step is a part of the journey so embrace them.

4.)   Remember in any situation, it isn’t the circumstances that define us; it is how we react to them that defines us.

5.)   No matter how hard it gets remember that it can always be worse.  Take the time you need to grieve, but then move forward and remember to be thankful for what you do have.

6.)   Love. Love yourself, find love in the things that you are passionate about, and love another.  The accomplishments in life are gratifying, but what do they mean if you don’t have anyone to share them with? Don’t allow life to wedge itself between you and your loved ones.

7.)   Believe in yourself and allow yourself to hold onto the innocence of your childhood.  Remember that time that we all believed we could be anything and do everything? Don’t let life wear that away, hold onto it and allow yourself to believe anything is possible.

8.)   Give back, as a citizen of the world it is a duty we all have to give back, it is not only a good deed, but it also teaches you a lot about yourself and life in general.

9.)   Allow yourself to continue to learn.  Whether it is a new hobby, learning something new at work, or simply learning something new about a loved one.  Always continue to learn more about yourself, the people around you, and the world you live in.

10.)  Most of all…live your life with passion, heart, free of fear, hate and judgment.  Be courageous, and know that in any given moment you can make a difference and you can change the world.

May 02, 2014

Honoring the Past

honoring-the-past-img

(Billie Jean King, myself, my sister Jessica at the athlete welcome dinner prior to the 2011 Annual Salute to Women in Sports Gala)

I often find myself telling people to let the past be the past.  I encourage people to move towards the future while not losing sight of the present, because unfortunately too many of us get stuck in the past.  However, I strongly believe that we must also always allow ourselves to look back to the past and reflect.  We must reflect on the lessons learned, cherish the memories, and most importantly have an appreciation for our past.  So often we look towards the future and we want more, we dream for better, we wish the present away without even realizing it and in that we lose sight of not only the present, but our past all together.  Our past in no way defines us, it is simply our starting point, but in order to appreciate our future we must always remain humble in our past.

May 2, 1974, the day that Billie Jean King started something that may have in the moment felt like nothing more than a vision for the future, a dream for better, but 40 years later what was started that day has turned into a piece of history for millions of women all around the world.  Now I can’t speak for her as to what motivated her to start the Women’s Sports Foundation, but after meeting her and having the opportunity to be apart of the Annual Salute to Women in Sports three years in a row, I can only imagine that what was started 40 years ago today was just that, a vision for the future, and a dream for better.

As a female athlete myself athletics have shaped me, they have taught me courage, bravery, self-esteem, confidence, and simply put… athletics have built me to be the woman I am today.  Swimming is my main passion as I have swam since I was a little girl, but that is the point, ever since I can remember girls had access to athletics where I grew up.  I swam because I wanted to, because my two older sisters swam and I wanted to follow in their footsteps, but I had choices, I could have played any sport I wanted.  I grew up with access and opportunity to participate in athletics because of individuals like Billie Jean King, and organizations like the Women’s Sports Foundation, but to me it was normal, it was what I knew.  That is why today I am choosing to appreciate the past and look back, because too often we take those opportunities for granted.

I grew up incredibly fortunate, my parents could afford to encourage my sisters and I to participate in athletics, my parents valued the importance of athletics in our lives, and I had access to athletics.  Those are all things that girls all over the country are still fighting for, not to mention the world.  There is still inequality in our lives; professional female athletes are still payed less then male athletes, in certain parts of the country girls are still denied the same access to athletics that boys have, and young girls are faced with the pressures of society.  But, today, it is about appreciating our past, knowing that we are all where we are because somebody that came before us helped pave the road.  It is a humbling moment when you sit back and realize not a single one of us got here alone, the path was paved for us, and now it is up to us to continue to pave the path, not for just ourselves but for the next generation.

So here is a cheers to Billie Jean King, the Women’s Sports Foundation and all of the individuals that continue to inspire, motivate, and advocate for the women of our future.  Wishing the Women’s Sports Foundation a very happy 40th Birthday, and feeling grateful for the courageous women that came before me and have paved the way for myself and millions more to have the opportunities we have.  You have inspired us to do our part to continue to pave the way for the next generation and inspired us to continue dreaming for better for those that follow us.

November 29, 2013

Thankful for the Simple Joys in Life

It is days like yesterday that make me sit back and reflect on the journey we call life.  Yesterday was a day of thanks, a day of remembering, a day of cherishing, and most of all a day of slowing down and remembering to be grateful for the things that are so easy to take for granted in our lives.  I think in life it can be so easy to rush through each day that we forget to slow down amidst all the ciaos and just take it in, it can be so easy to get sidetracked that the beauty that surrounds us gets lost.

So this year as I sit and reflect, as I think about what I am thankful for, it is simple for me, it is life.  I am thankful for all of the hardships, triumphs, adversities, and successes that life has brought throughout the years.  I am thankful for that day back in January of 2008.  Now, you may ask why? But it is simple, it allowed me to not just live but to be alive, it has allowed me to appreciate the simplest joys in life.

There are moments when I sit back and I realize how much I took for granted before my paralysis, how many simple joys I just speed right past and didn’t even think twice about it.  The feeling of my toes in the sand, sitting with my feet in the pool and feeling the water on my feet as they dangle ever so freely in the water, the freeness that comes with just simply standing up and walking across a room, but most of all life.  Yes, I will admit it, there are plenty of moments in my own life that I look back on and realize that I took them for granted and unfortunately, it wasn’t until the day that I lost it all that I realized it.

Although, what I have realized more and more with time is I didn’t lose it all, those memories, they are heightened, I hold them near and dear to my heart, memories that I may not of thought twice about in the moment are some of my dearest memories, but most of all it has allowed me to appreciate all of those moments again, and this time understand the enormity of them.  Being able to stand up and hug my family for the first time in nearly six years, it is a simple hug, but in that moment I am standing on my own two feet and I am able to lean over, not reach up, and hug my loved ones.  Being able to walk towards a loved one for the first time, ever, and see him eye to eye, smiling at each other and being able to just have that moment, dance to our favorite song, be held in his arms, and see my wheelchair sitting in the corner, without me in it.  Those are the simple joys in life, those are the moments to slow down for and just take in.  Those are the moments that can’t be replaced.

We have all heard the quotes that talk about living each moment as it is your last, because you never know when it will be, and initially it is easy to think how morbid that sounds, but what if we truly did live our lives that way? Maybe then we wouldn’t pass by the beauty that surrounds us in those moments of ciaos, maybe we wouldn’t forget to slow down and take life in, maybe we would be able to truly appreciate the simplest of joys in life for what they are.

So this year, I am thankful for not just life, but all of the people that have been a part of it, my family, my friends, my loved ones, and all of the individuals far and wide who have supported me.  As the saying goes, “it takes a village” and in life it truly does take a village.  We all have our own stories, our own journey, unique to us, but not a single one of us have done it on our own, there is a village that backs us.  Even in the moments that we feel alone, somewhere, there is someone that is cheering us on, and supporting us.

So this year as we all approach the holidays this is my challenge, slow down, stop amidst all the ciaos, and be gracious.  Remember that life is too short to speed right through it, it is too short to hold a grudge, and to not tell those in your life just how much they mean to you.

November 15, 2013

Moving Forward

Six years, it has been nearly six years since I took my last steps.  Most days I still have a hard time believing it has been that long, 2,122 days since I last walked, and tomorrow I will do what I thought I would never do again, I will be standing at my 5’9” stature and I will be taking my first “steps” again since my paralysis.

For the past 7 weeks I have been learning how to use my customized leg braces, compensating in my upper body for what I don’t have in my lower body, understanding how to take “steps” again, but this time without actually using my legs.

I still remember everything about January 21, 2008, it is a day that I will never forget, I carry that day with me everyday, and it motivates me to continue to move forward.  I have this belief that it isn’t the moments or the circumstances in life that define us as individuals, it is how we react to them that defines us.  I have said it before, and I will say it again, January 21, 2008 will never define me as a person, however the journey since that day has made me who I am.  This journey these past 2,122 days has been full of plenty of ups and downs, full of laughter, love, heartbreak, excitement, hardship, triumphs, and adversities, but most of all they have been full of life.  This journey is one that has taught me to appreciate the simple things in life and never, ever take them for granted.  For nearly 19 years of my life I took the simple joy of being able to walk across a room for granted and now here I am looking to celebrate being able to take my first “steps” again.

The first time I took my first steps I was far too young to remember them, however I am sure my parents could tell you all about them, how old I was, what I was wearing, where I was at, but tomorrow I will create another set of memories as I take my first “steps” again, for the second time.  It is surreal to think about, taking “steps” again, but I feel lucky, lucky that I got to learn twice, because tomorrow, I get to celebrate, with my family and loved ones, as we create new memories.  Tomorrow, I will show myself that nothing is impossible.  When I stand up tomorrow it may not be the most graceful way of standing up, it may not be the most graceful steps I have ever taken, but they will be the most beautiful, and most of all I will be able to see my loved ones eye to eye and walk towards them for the first time in nearly six years, and for a few, for the first time, ever.

This journey these past few months has been full of emotions, emotions that are hard to understand myself, let alone explain.  Seeing a clock on the wall at a “normal” height for the first time, looking individuals eye to eye, without having to look up, the simple things, they have felt monumental, they have brought joy to my life in ways I would have never imagined.  I mean, a clock, it’s nothing special but seeing it on the wall and having it feel like it did for nearly 19 years and having that perspective again was just absolutely amazing.  It really is the little things.

So tomorrow, I will put on my cute outfit that I have planned just for this special day, I will stand tall, and it will be my chance at redefining what walking to me means and taking my first “steps” again.  Another milestone in my life that symbolizes moving forward.

Since January 21, 2008, I never thought it was possible to have a day like tomorrow and now, it is possible and what I have learned from this journey is that there isn’t a single hurdle in life that we can’t get over.  I have been paralyzed for nearly six years with no chance at regaining function from my point of injury down, however, tomorrow I will do the “impossible.”

So here is my challenge, just as I challenged everyone a few months ago to live your life with passion, with heart, free of fear, hate and judgment, be courageous, and know that in any given moment you can make a difference and you can change the world by your simple actions.   My challenge for all of you today is to move forward, don’t allow the set backs in life to do just that, set you back, because you can do anything, and I mean anything you put your mind to.  Dream, and dream big, believe in yourself, and know that no matter how hard it may get, we all have the strength to rise above and to move forward.

moving-forward-img

October 07, 2013

Beginning of a New Journey

beginning-of-a-new-journey

Today was a very big day; it was my first day of therapy!  Last time I did therapy was after my paralysis and to be completely honest that year was an incredibly difficult time for me.  I had just been paralyzed and I felt like I had this constant disappointment that went along with therapy because I continued to hope that I would start to feel, start to move again and I didn’t.  I went in day in and day out and I held onto that hope and it never came.  Although what I realize now is that hope that I had was to simply be able to live again.  At that time I believed that in order to live I had to be able to walk, but what I have learned since is that my hope became a reality and I did start to live, maybe not in the way that I thought I would but I not only started to live, I came alive.

To say I was nervous going in today is an understatement.  I have these memories that come with hospitals, and no they aren’t the good kind.  I walked into a hospital and I never walked out, and although it has been nearly six years that is still a hard pill to swallow.  I have continued to move on with life but it is still hard to wheel through the doors of a hospital knowing that I was in a hospital the moment I took my very last steps.  Although today, we started the journey towards changing that.  Today when I wheeled through the doors it came with the mixed emotions of fear, uncertainty, nerves, excitement, and anticipation; but when I wheeled out of those doors the emotions I felt were pure joy and excitement for what is to come.

Today’s therapy wasn’t focused on trying to regain that feeling and movement in my legs, because unfortunately we know that isn’t possible.  However, instead of dwelling on that we are focusing on what I do have, thanks to my swimming, that is an incredibly strong upper body.  Today I got to go into a therapy gym and not focus on my weaknesses, but rather my strengths.  I was able to put my leg braces on and work on learning how to us my upper body strength to help me fulfill this nearly six year dream of mine, to “walk.”  Now as I have said before it isn’t going to be the walking that I grew up knowing, but that is okay, because it will still be me upright moving towards something for the first time in years.  It will be my chance to make happy memories in a hospital and who knows, maybe even “walk” out.

For years I believed that I wouldn’t be able to walk again, because for me I couldn’t let go of what my former memories of walking were.  That ever so graceful, one foot in front of the other step that I used to be able to take.  Although, what I have realized now is that although I can’t do that, that doesn’t mean I can’t redefine what “walking” to me means.  To the world, it may not look graceful at all, but to me it will be some of the most graceful “steps” I have ever taken, because they will be taken with passion and heart backing them, and they will be ever so beautiful.

Today as I stood in the parallel bars, with my therapist in front of me all of my fears went away, she sat there with this calming presence, and in that moment I was at peace.  As I stood there I was able to think of everything and everyone that brought me there today, my loved ones who have never stopped believing in me, my supporters who have been ever so generous throughout this entire process, people far and wide, some of whom I have never had the opportunity to meet.

Now, here I am and realizing once again that everything happens for a reason.  I walked in on January 21, 2008 and I can recount every moment leading up to what ended up being my last steps as I got onto the procedure table, I haven’t walked since. Although, what I have learned is that no matter what happens in life, no matter what roadblocks are placed in front of us, there is a way around them, you just have to find it.

September 05, 2013

The Power of Music

Music.  It is an incredibly powerful thing, the way that the words flow so eloquently, the beauty behind the lyrics, and that each song has the ability to hold a very different meaning for each and every one of us.

I often have my moments, more often then not, when I get caught up in a song and I wish for a moment that my life could be like a movie and have a soundtrack behind it as it plays out.  We all of those songs that have lifted us up in a moment of sorrow, been our light in a moment of uncertainty, been our companion in a moment of joy, and been our shoulder to cry on in a moment of need.  I could rattle off a list of songs that have done all of those things for me.  With every memory I have, from family vacations in the Caribbean, to moments of heart break, to the moment before I won my Paralympic Gold, countless memories and moments in my life, I have a song that backs them all.

Lately, one particular moment has stuck out.  A moment last week when I become one step closer to achieving my dream of new mobility, my dream of “walking.” I went to the Orthotist and I was casted for my customized leg braces, yes, that means I actually have leg braces that are in the making, which means I am closer then ever before to making this dream a reality.  While my braces were casted my loved ones were beside me supporting me and documenting the entire journey.  That night, someone very close to me stayed up all night and created a video documenting that ever so special day, and in that moment he put music to my life.  He used one of my favorite songs, “Brand New Day” by Joshua Radin, and that moment suddenly came to life like never before, I was trying on different braces and getting my legs casted for them to start making what will be my braces.  Joshua Radin’s music brought that moment to life, for many others and myself, and that video allowed that moment to live on.

That song is not only special to myself, but my family as well.  “Brand New Day” is a song that documents new beginnings, hope, inspiration, and love.  In June of 2010 my sister, Jessica, got married.  Her and her husband, Sean, had a videography at their wedding and they put music to my sister and brother-in-laws special day, they produced a video that allowed that incredibly special day to live on in all of our lives, through music and video, the song, “Brand New Day.”  For our family that song has documented two incredibly special days in our life; the day my sister got married, and the day that I came one step closer to my dream of “walking” again.

You see, there is this power behind music, a power behind words.  Words can heal, they can motivate, they can comfort, and most of all they can inspire.  It is this undeniable power that speaks to us, it speaks to us all in different ways, and carries it’s own special meaning to each person it touches.   For me, words have been my saving grace; they have helped me through times of heartbreak, joy, sorrow, happiness, fear, and uncertainty.  Writing is my saving grace and my muse, music.   It teaches you about life, about yourself and in that moment, it allows you to slow down, take in the beauty around you and listen to the words.  It is magical, and I don’t know if there is any better word to describe it.

So here it is, to our musicians, our artists, Joshua Radin and everyone else out there that is spreading beauty, hope, joy and inspiration through their words and their music.  You allow our memories to live on through your ever so eloquent words, and there is nothing more magical then that.